Wanting Vs Needing
Have Your Own Words Ever Surprised You? You know those moment when you are sharing a perspective and you hear words come out of your own mouth that are way wiser that you are?
Well thats what happened for me last week during a conversation.
I was sharing a distinction between Needing vs Wanting during a coaching session with a client. The topic was triggered by his fear about selling and needing to close a sale.
I am not a sales expert; however, Enlightened Leadership must encapsulate sales so it can be reviewed from a higher perspective. What I did not anticipate was the depth of the conversation and the answer that came out of my mouth.
Upon hearing it, the impact was probably greater than anything else I’ve ever experienced around this topic. But let me add a little bit of information for context.
Many psychological models outline our “human needs” and these models are powerful – but there is also a false road that lies within these ideas which can be VERY dangerous to get lost along.
With this in mind, our coaching session took a trip into the DEEP.
What happened was this: As my client was explaining how stressed he felt about closing his sale and losing his opportunity to close a deal, I asked him what was going on inside him? He said “it feels like my guts are being twisted”.
“I have felt this feeling before so I could easily empathise. It used to happen to me in relationships when I would lose contact with my girlfriend on a night out. My stomach would be like a washing machine.”
“So here is the thing”, I said. “Are you willing to see that you have placed your entire sense of worth on that scale? Do you see how you have made the sale mean life or death to your very existence?”
He looked at me and said: ”No, I don’t”.
“The fact that your stomach is doing cartwheels might be a clue. Or is this a normal sensation for you? Have you become familiarised with this feeling of impending annihilation?”
“Any feeling you have, even the slightest twinge, is merely a sign that thought has drifted through your field of awareness and has been misidentified with something it is not. A false shadow cast upon a neutral reality.”
“Like the tale of the man wandering through the desert with a deep fear of snakes. One moment he is walking happily, then the next he notices a huge snake on the ground in front of him. He starts to run when suddenly the clouds above him shift and cast a different light: He stops stunned, looking at an old rope.
That’s what our thoughts do to us.”
“A calm, still mind has nothing to fear but a thought that says life is in danger. It never is. It’s always a rope. Stop running!”
He sat in silence.
“Needing a sale to feel safe is an illusion. You need nothing to feel safe. You may want the sale to pay your bills, but your feelings and your bills, however they appear to be connected, are not.”
I let that one sink in – for me and for him.
“The fear of sales or anything that isn’t life-threatening is there to remind you that you are losing your marbles. Be grateful that it’s happening so you can come back to your right mind.”
Stop using objects and people to give you what you already have
The deep sense of love and connection we naturally feel when our mind is no longer at war with itself. Resting in perfect stillness, we experience a state of no need that is complete in and of itself.
The tendency to use objects and people to give us any feeling we have intrinsically within us at our core is an exercise in futility. But it is also a fantastic opportunity to let go of that illusion once and for all.
Not to mention we know how excessive neediness can be detrimental to both sales and relationships.
Where is this happening for you?
What could change if you were to realise that you needed nothing? But could choose or want anything without any need attached 🙂
Lift up, light up, Become an Enlightened Leader
Ryan
